


Let Your Guard Down

by LibraryMage



Series: Break Your Chains [9]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Character, Autistic Ezra Bridger, Autistic Sabine Wren, Child Abuse, Father-Son Relationship, Found Family, Gen, Jedi Training, Maul is a Really Bad parental figure, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 09:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12187182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: On Ezra's fifteenth birthday, the rest of the crew gets a glimpse into his past.(AU rewrite of Empire Day and Gathering Forces; heed the warnings at the beginning of each chapter)





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: violence to animals; animal death; child abuse; an adult putting a child in a very dangerous situation; references to canonical character death; general canon-typical violence

 

 _Since he’d first set foot on the asteroid base months ago, Ezra hadn’t left.  Now, he stood at the edge of the ramp leading away from the small Gauntlet_ _starfighter, about to take his first step on solid ground not made of metal since he’d left his home.  He wanted to savor the feeling of stepping onto grass and dirt after so long, but he knew he wasn’t going to be given the chance._

_“Ezra!”  Sure enough, Maul’s voice was laced with impatience as he called to his apprentice._

_Ezra rushed to catch up to his master, not taking the time to think about his first steps onto **real** ground in months.  Maul put a hand on Ezra’s shoulder as the boy reached his side._

_“I’m sorry, Master,” Ezra said.  He held back his explanation, that it had just been so long since he’d set foot on a planet.  He knew it didn’t matter._

_“Why are we here?” he asked hesitantly, unsure if he **should** be asking questions in the first place._

_“We’re here for an important lesson,” Maul said, leading Ezra deeper into the woods with a hand on the boy’s back._

_“You have a gift for connecting to the minds other creatures,” Maul told him.  "Even for someone like us, your talent for it is unusually strong.  We’re here so you can learn to put it to good use.”_

_“How?” Ezra asked._

_“By using your ability to connect to bend another being to your will,” Maul said._

_“You mean like mind control?” Ezra asked._

_“No,” Maul said, sounding almost amused by the question.  “You can't control someone’s thoughts; only their actions and their will.”_

_Ezra nodded to show he understood._

_“They will fight for control,” Maul told him.  “They won't want to give up and obey you easily.”_

_“They?”_

_Maul stopped and pointed to a spot about ten feet from where they stood.  There was something moving through the bushes.  Ezra narrowed his eyes, searching for the source of the movement.  He took a hesitant step forward.  Maul’s hand came down on his shoulder to stop him from going too far.  Then he saw it._

_The creature was a canine, similar to a Loth-wolf in some ways.  It was small, probably still a baby.  Ezra looked around nervously, knowing that where there was a baby animal, there was usually a protective mother nearby._

_“You don’t need to see her with your eyes to find her,” Maul reminded him, knowing exactly what Ezra was looking for._

_Ezra felt outward through the space around him in the Force, picturing it like a net of shadow and light twining around each other.  Directly behind him was his master’s familiar, shadowy presence.  Not far in front of him, the baby animal, a cluster of light, its curiosity making it edge closer now that it had noticed them.  And hidden close by in the trees, a much calmer, softer glow of light._

_“You can feel their minds, can't you?” he heard Maul’s voice ask him.  Ezra nodded._

_“Take control,” Maul told him._

_“I don’t know how,” Ezra said._

_“I can show you.”_

_Ezra let Maul take the lead and guide him.  Ezra latched onto the animals’ minds like a cat sinking its claws into something, smothering the warm glow of their minds with his own shadows.  Ezra vaguely recognized the feeling.  It felt almost like when Maul had once used the Force to knock him unconscious while trying to teach him to shield his mind against attacks.  As soon as he realized that, it was easier.  He remembered how that felt, and just had to make them feel the same thing._

_Within moments, the mother wolf crept out from where she’d been watching them, following Ezra’s mental order to come out of hiding.  Ezra’s eyes widened as he saw just how big she was.  Her jaws could snap his neck in seconds if she attacked._

_“As long as you’re in control of them, you have nothing to fear,” Maul said, sensing Ezra’s anxiety._

_Without warning, Ezra felt himself being mentally shoved away as Maul wrested control of the mother wolf from him.  At Maul’s mental command, the mother turned on the pup with a growl and leapt at him, her teeth sinking into his throat.  Ezra gasped._

_“Why did you --”_

_“You’ll find out soon enough,” Maul said.  Ezra felt those shadows pressing in on **his** mind now.  He barely had time to realize what was happening before his vision went dark._

* * *

 

_When Ezra woke, it was dark out.  His wrists were tightly cuffed together and, he realized as he moved to sit up, so were his ankles.  Leaves crunched underneath him as he moved.  He was deep in the woods, deeper than he had been before.  Beside him, he caught sight of a small, flashing light.  A commlink.  He picked it up -- not an easy task with his cuffed hands -- and hit the switch to answer it, knowing exactly who it was._

_“What’s going on?” he asked._

_“The creatures on this moon are highly territorial and_ very _protective of their young,” Maul’s voice said through the comm.  “Now that your scent is at the site of a pup’s death, they will see you as a threat.  If they pick up your scent, they will hunt you.  And right now you are less than a mile away from their den.”_

_Ezra looked down at his cuffed ankles._

_“I can’t run,” he said._

_“I know.”_

_The call ended and the comm went dark._

_Ezra’s breath was coming in short, sharp gasps, his vision blurring._

_“No,” he muttered to himself.  He didn’t have time for panic.  He didn’t know how long he had before the animals found him._

_Biting down on the inside of his lip to pull himself out of his head and force himself to focus, he reached out with his mind, feeling for the locking mechanism in the cuffs around his ankles.  If he could just get them off, he could run.  He felt the lock starting to move, but a growl in the shadows in front of him broke his concentration.  He was out of time._

_He looked up to see three pairs of eyes watching him, growing closer and closer until he could see the animals clearly.  He shoved himself backward, sliding along the ground until his back was up against a tree._

_The three creatures had him cornered.  One of them crouched, about to leap at him and --_

_No!_

_Ezra latched onto the creature’s mind._ You’re not going to attack me _, he thought._ You’re not _.  The animal fought back, trying to push Ezra out of its head, trying to move forward but finding itself held back by Ezra’s command not to attack._

_One of the others, sensing its packmate’s reluctance to attack, ran at Ezra.  Ezra put his plan into motion before he even realized he’d come up with it.  The creature whose mind he had latched onto jumped at the other, its teeth sinking into the other animal’s throat.  As the wolf-like creature lay bleeding on the ground, its paws twitching as blood soaked into its fur, the one Ezra controlled turned on the third wolf, jumping at it and bringing it down just as easily._

_Ezra still clung to the wolf’s mind, unsure of what to do.  If he released his mental hold on it, would it attack him?  Ezra couldn’t exactly blame it if that’s what happened.  But he didn’t want to die.  He didn’t want to die and he had already gone this far and already crossed this line and he didn’t know what his master would do to him if he held back and…_

_Before the thought even finished forming in his mind, Ezra reached out through the Force, grabbing hold of the final wolf’s throat, twisting, snapping its neck.  At least one of them got to die fast._

_Ezra heard the rustle of movement in the brush to his left and gasped.  He wasn’t sure he could do this again so soon.  Taking control like that, having such close contact with the animals’ minds, feeling the deaths of the others and the first wolf’s desperate attempts to stop itself from attacking its packmates, it was all too much.  But he didn’t have a choice.  As the movement drew closer, he reached out with his mind, determined to start trying to take control before they saw him.  He pulled back when he recognized the presence approaching.  It wasn’t the wolves._

_A moment later, Maul emerged from the shadows.  He stopped in his tracks and stood there, surveying what Ezra had done.  After a moment, the cuffs around Ezra’s wrists and ankles opened and fell away._

_“You did well,” Maul said with a smile as Ezra stood up._

_Ezra was shaking so hard he could barely get his feet back under him.  Tears welled up in his eyes as he crossed his arms over his chest, trying to give himself some small bit of comfort and calm his fear.  He gasped as Maul cupped his chin, forcing him to look up._

_“Don’t cry over them, Ezra,” Maul said.  “They’re nothing to you.”_

_“I’m not…I’m sorry,” Ezra said, pulling away and wiping at his eyes.  It did nothing to stop his tears.  In fact, it only seemed to make them worse.  They slid down his cheeks as he stood there, trembling, shrinking back against the tree behind him.  He wasn’t crying over the three animals who now lay dead just a few feet away from him.  Not **just** over them, at least._

_“You’re afraid, aren’t you?” Maul asked.  Ezra nodded._

_“And do you think crying like a child will stop you from being afraid, or stop anyone from hurting you?”_

_“N--no.”_

_“Then there’s no point, is there?”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_Ezra yelped as Maul’s hand struck his face._

_“Your apologies mean nothing if you won’t even try, Ezra,” he said._

_Ezra clenched his jaw, squeezing his eyes shut.  He took a long breath in and held it for a second.  Slowly, he reached up and wiped at his eyes.  No new tears came to fill the void left by the ones he’d brushed away._

_“There,” Maul said, his voice much gentler.  “Isn’t that better?”_

_Ezra nodded, because that was the right answer._

* * *

 

Kanan was speaking, but Ezra barely heard him.  The only thing keeping him _just_ listening to Kanan was the memory of what had happened whenever Maul thought he wasn’t paying attention.  Ezra held in a frustrated sigh and pulled himself back to the present moment before Kanan could notice he wasn’t all there.

“Step outside yourself,” Kanan was saying.  “Make a connection with another being.”

“I can connect just fine,” Ezra said.

“Then this should be easy for you.”

“Can we do this another day?” Ezra asked, shifting uncomfortably as he stared at the ground.

“We can do it now,” Kanan said.  “Focus.”

“Just throw the rock,” Ezra muttered.

Kanan picked up a stone from the ground and threw it into the grass a few feet away.  Ezra heard a quiet “ _mrrr?_ ” as the rock startled a Loth-cat hiding in the ground cover.  The cat leapt from the grass, its back arched, hissing angrily at the two humans who’d disturbed it.

Ezra shut his eyes and reached out through the Force.  The Loth-cat’s mind was like sparks jumping out a fire.  Ezra held out one hand, letting the shadows of his own mind smother the flames and sparks of the cat’s.  The Loth-cat hissed again, pushing back against Ezra’s attempts to take control.

“Not like that,” Kanan said, his hand covering Ezra’s.  “You need to connect with it, not control it.  Convince it you’re not a threat.”

“I don’t know how,” Ezra said through gritted teeth.  He didn’t want to be doing this.  Not now.  Not today.  What was even the _point_ of Kanan getting him to make friends with a wild cat?

“I know,” Kanan said.  “I can help you, if you let me.”

Ezra felt Kanan’s mind nudging against his.  He felt steady and strong in the Force as he tried to guide Ezra and show him what he should be doing.  It stirred a vague, distant memory.  Walking across a street, his mother clutching his hand tight in hers, leading him.  _Be careful, Ezra._

Ezra pulled his hand away from Kanan, throwing all his strength behind the shields that surrounded his mind, locking Kanan out.

“I don’t need your help!” he snapped.  “I can figure this out on my own!”

As if sensing his anger, the cat leapt at Ezra, its claws extended.  Ezra ducked to the ground to dodge the attack, but the Loth-cat landed on his chest, its claws digging into Ezra’s arms as it swiped at his face.  Ezra growled back at the cat and grabbed hold of it through the Force, throwing it off of him.  It landed in the grass it had emerged from, still hissing furiously at him.  Ezra stood up, reaching for his lightsaber, only to freeze up under Kanan’s gaze.  He lowered his hand, his shoulders creeping up into a defensive position.

“I’m sorry,” he said.  “I just don’t see the point of this.”

“The point,” Kanan said, so patient it made Ezra angry for reasons he couldn’t even begin to explain, “is that you’re still capable of forming safe attachments to others; ones that aren’t about control.  But to do that, you have to let your guard down.”

“And what if I can't?” Ezra asked, folding his arms across his chest.  Kanan said it like it was so easy, but he didn’t know…or maybe he did, sort of, but it wasn’t the same, was it?

“If you always try to protect yourself,” Kanan said, “if you can't connect with something without it being about who has power over who, then you’ll never be a Jedi.”

“Then maybe I’ll never be a Jedi.”

“Kid, whatever’s going on with you, you need to spill it,” Kanan said.

“I’m sorry, Kanan,” Ezra said again.  “I don’t mean to wear you out.  Today’s just not a good day.”  His voice dropped to a low mumble.  “It’s never been a good day.”

“Today?”

“Empire Day,” Ezra said.  Just speaking the words, he tasted something bitter.  At least when he’d been growing up in the old Death Watch base, he’d rarely known what day it was by the standard calendar.  It hadn’t mattered.  But now, living out in the galaxy with the crew, he couldn’t help but know what day it was.

Kanan opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but before he could speak, they heard an all-too-familiar sound and looked up to see three TIE fighters flying overhead.

“What are so many TIEs doing out this far?” Ezra asked.

“Nothing good,” Kanan said.  “Come on.”

Ezra breathed a small sigh of relief as he followed Kanan into town, the same direction the TIE fighters had been flying.

* * *

 

It was easy enough to find the TIE pilots.  Jhothal wasn’t a large town, after all.  Kanan and Ezra glanced at each other, not needing to express their worry with words, as they saw the pilots enter the bar where the rest of the crew was waiting for them.  As they walked into the bar, Ezra’s hand slowly inched toward his lightsaber.  Kanan held out a hand to stop him.

“Not unless we have to,” he said quietly.  Ezra followed his gaze to a table in the corner where Hera and Zeb sat, trying to look casual, but clearly ready to either run or fight if they had to.  Ezra cast a quick glance around the room, looking for Sabine, but didn’t see her.

Ezra trailed Kanan to the bar and sat down beside him, doing their best to appear as if there was nothing suspicious about their being there.  Just two normal people with nothing to hide.

Ezra looked over his shoulder, trying to catch a glimpse of what was going on.  His eyes narrowed as he caught sight of the datapad one of the pilots was holding, comparing the image on it to a terrified Rodian seated alone at a table.  He knew the face in the image.  He could still remember the voice from hushed conversations that went late into the night.  Conversations his parents didn’t realize he’d even been listening to.

“Tseebo,” he muttered.  He was surprised his parents’ old friend had gone this long without being arrested or killed already.

“What?” Kanan asked him.

“Nothing,” Ezra said, shaking his head and turning back to look down at the bar.

There was a hiss of static as the HoloNet broadcast one of the pilots had pushed Old Jho into putting on was interrupted.  Kanan ducked his head to hide his grin as Gall Trayvis’s voice cut through the static, encouraging everyone listening to boycott Empire Day celebrations.  If Ezra had a choice, he’d gladly listen.  But Kanan and Hera had something special planned for today.

“Turn it off,” one of the pilots ordered.

“Can’t,” Jho said.  The Ithorian’s face wasn’t built to give anything most humans would have recognized as a smile, but Ezra could hear it in his voice.  “It’s the law.”

They couldn’t see the pilot’s face, but Ezra was sure he was glaring at Jho under his helmet.

“He’s not here,” another pilot said.  “Let’s move.”  Fortunately, her fellow pilot followed her lead.

As the pilots left, a collective sigh of relief seemed to sweep through the bar.

“TIE pilots on search patrols?” Kanan asked Jho, leaning forward a little against the bar as his shoulders dropped from their slightly raised defensive posture.  “What’s going on?”

“Imperials have locked down the ports and put destroyers in orbit,” Jho said.  “It’s a full planetary blockade.”

“They’re after a Rodian,” Kanan said.  So he’d seen the image, too.

“Just be glad they’re not after us for once,” Sabine said as she, Hera, and Zeb walked up to the bar.

“With what we have planned for today’s parade, they’ll be after us again tomorrow,” Kanan said with a smile.

* * *

 

The four of them hid among the crowd, keeping to the shadows so they wouldn’t attract unwanted attention.  While Sabine made sure their line of attack was clear, Ezra found himself staring to the east.  Since the day he’d first left Lothal, he had never been as close to home as he was now.  It was just a couple of miles away.

 _Ezra._   Ezra froze up at the sound of the voice.  It couldn’t be -- that was impossible.

“Mom?” he whispered.

 _Ezra._   The voice was different now.

“Dad?”

“Ezra?”  He felt a hand on his shoulder and jumped.  He looked up and saw Kanan standing beside him.

“You still with me?” Kanan asked.

“Yeah,” Ezra said, sparing a quick glance back in the direction of his parents’ old house.

“Good,” Kanan said.  “We need you covering our escape.”

“Yeah,” Ezra said again, his voice quiet and distant.

“Ezra.”  Kanan’s insistent tone was enough to snap Ezra back to the present.  Kanan may as well have hit him over the head and told him to pay attention.

“Sorry,” he said, shaking his head.  “I’m fine.  Really.  It’s nothing.”

 _Focus,_ Ezra thought to himself.  Kanan needed him here right now, not miles away inside his own head.  It didn’t matter anyway.  That place wasn’t his home anymore.  It hadn’t been for a long time.

“Almost time,” Kanan told him.  “Be ready.”

Above the crowd, the face of Maketh Tua was projected onto a screen, beaming with pride as she expounded on the latest fighter that had come out of Lothal’s Imperial weapons factory.

 _“The Sienar Systems advanced TIE starfighter!”_ she announced.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” Kanan said with a grin.

“Yeah,” Hera said, her expression mirroring his.  “I almost feel bad about blowing it up.”

“I sense we’ll need to make a quick exit,” Kanan said.  Hera nodded and disappeared into the crowd, heading back toward the _Ghost_ , as Kanan made his way toward the TIE fighter and Sabine and Zeb prepared the distraction.  Ezra stayed on the sidelines, watching for any signs of trouble approaching his three crewmates.

“When I say “now,” throw this as high as you can,” Sabine said, handing a small explosive device to Zeb.

“Okay,” Zeb said.  “Now?”

Sabine didn’t respond.

“Now?” he repeated.  Sabine waited a moment.  Zeb glared at her.

“Now,” she said.  Zeb hurled the explosive into the sky, where it went off in a blaze of color.

With the crowd successfully distracted, Kanan crossed the open space between the alley he’d hidden in and the TIE fighter.  If Ezra hadn’t known to watch for him, he wouldn’t have seen the Jedi moving quickly and quietly through the shadows, planting more of Sabine’s explosives on the starfighter.  But as Kanan made his way back into the crowd, a stormtrooper spotted him and raised his blaster.

“You there,” he said.  “This area’s off limits.”

Ezra sprang into action, already moving toward Kanan.  His instinct was to draw his own weapon, but Kanan’s words from earlier echoed in his head.  _Not unless we have to._   Ezra would feel so much safer ( _more powerful;_ no, safer) with his lightsaber in his hand, but he didn’t _have_ to use it.  Not yet.

“Did you see it?” Kanan said, his voice loud and his words slurring a little as he took one stumbling step toward the stormtrooper.  “It’s so beautiful!”

Ezra fought back the urge to laugh.  Kanan apparently wasn’t the galaxy’s most convincing fake drunk.  As Ezra ran toward Kanan, it suddenly occurred to him that he didn’t have a plan to get him out that wouldn’t involve attracting attention from every Imperial in the city.  He’d have to improvise.  Hopefully he’d be better at it than Kanan was.

“Dad!” he called, almost before the idea had finished forming in his head.  “What are you doing?”

He put himself between Kanan and the stormtrooper, just a normal kid with a harmless drunk parent.

“Sorry,” he said, forcing what he hoped was a convincing exasperated tone into his voice.  “My dad’s just so patriotic.”

It was all Ezra could do not to cringe as Kanan shouted “All hail our glorious Empire!”

“Right.  Move along,” the stormtrooper said, sounding bored.

“Nice save,” Kanan said, ruffling Ezra’s hair and slinging an arm around his shoulders as they walked away, a much more convincing act than his last one.  “Get ready to run.”

Sure enough, a few seconds later, the explosives Kanan had planted went off, turning the TIE fighter into a twisted heap of metal.  Kanan started to run, Ezra following close behind him.  As they passed an intersection, Sabine and Zeb came racing around the corner.

As Zeb looked back, his eyes narrowed and he pulled his rifle off his back.  Ezra’s gaze followed his to see Agent Kallus.

“Been spoiling to finish things with him,” Zeb growled as he took his aim.

“Hey,” Kanan said.  “If you want to take somebody out, take out that guy!”  He pointed to the Inquisitor, who was still near the wreckage of the TIE fighter.

“Fine,” Zeb said, clearly not happy that he wouldn’t have a chance to finish Kallus off, too.  He fired.  He missed, but just barely.  The bolt from his rifle went right past the Inquisitor’s head, setting off another explosion when it hit what was left of the starfighter.

They ran, knowing the Inquisitor would now know they were there, losing themselves in the fleeing crowd.

“Spectre Two,” Kanan said into his comm, “we’re en route to the rendezvous.”

 _“Negative, Spectre One,”_ Hera said.  _“The streets are blocked.  I cannot, repeat **cannot** reach rendezvous.”_

“I know a place we can hole up till things calm down,” Ezra said.  He could feel in his gut that it was the right place to go.  “But shoulders here might have a problem taking my route,” he said, gesturing to Zeb.

“Then we need another option,” Kanan told him.

“It’s fine,” Zeb said.  “Spectre Two, can you make it to the old market?”

_“Affirmative.”_

“On my way,” Zeb said, already climbing up the side of the nearest building.

“Follow me,” Ezra said, crouching down and pulling a grating off the bottom of the wall.  There were maintenance hatches, vents, storm drains, and even small tunnels connecting most of this side of the city.  They weren’t big enough that most people used them, but someone small enough or determined enough could use them to get around, or as a place to hide.  Ezra had used them for both purposes more times than he could count in the two years he’d been on his own in this city.

Using the tunnels cut the time it would have taken to get to the house nearly in half.  The three of them exited onto the street and waited in the shadows as a patrol passed by.  When a quick glance around told him no one was approaching, Ezra beckoned for the others to follow him across the dark street to the building.  It was clearly still abandoned, the windows boarded up, the walls and roof damaged with no sign that anyone had been repairing them, and an Imperial notice in bright red letters.

“That’s an Imperial warning declaring this building off limits,” Sabine said as they approached the house and she was better able to read it.  “What is this place?”

Ezra held out a hand, unlocking the door using the Force.  The key was long since gone.  He didn’t answer her.

“This was your home, wasn’t it?” Kanan asked him.  Ezra didn’t even bother wondering how he knew.  “It’s where you grew up.”

“I grew up hidden away on an asteroid with Maul,” Ezra said, the words coming out harsher than he’d meant them too.  What he’d told himself earlier to make himself focus was true.  This place hadn’t been his home for eight years now.

“Then why here?” Sabine asked as they entered the house.  “Why now?”

“I had this feeling,” Ezra said.  A vague and unhelpful explanation, he knew, but it was the only one he could give.

He crouched down to the floor in the middle of the room, shoving aside the furniture and revealing the hatch that led into the hidden room below the house.  There, at the base of the ladder, was the Rodian the Imperials were looking for.

“Tseebo!” he called.  “It’s me, Ezra Bridger.”

Tseebo looked up at him and immediately scaled the ladder.  He was wearing the dull gray uniform of low-level Imperial workers, and there was some sort of electronic device on his head.  No, Ezra realized as he got a closer look, _in_ his head.  It was an implant of some kind.  Ezra had known Tseebo had begun working for the Empire after his parents’ arrest, but he felt something bitter in the back of his throat as he realized _that_ was probably what had saved his parents’ friend from sharing their fate.

Tseebo stopped in front of Ezra.  After a second, his eyes glazed over and he walked right past him, muttering something in a language Ezra didn’t understand.

“That’s the Rodian the Imperials are hunting,” Kanan said.  “You know him?”

“Name’s Tseebo,” Ezra said, sitting down on the dusty old couch.  “Friend of my parents.”

He glanced over at Sabine.  She knew Imperial tech better than any of them.  “What’s that thing in his head?” he asked.

“The Empire implants lower-level technicians with cybernetic circuits,” she said, stepping closer to examine it.  “Personality sacrificed for productivity.”

“Tseebo’s productivity is nineteen percent higher than average Imperial data worker,” the Rodian said.  It sounded automatic, like a droid spitting out a number after a verbal prompt.

Ezra felt that bitter taste again.  It was bad enough Tseebo had gone to work for the Empire, but he had let them put their tech into his head, too.  He was one of them now.  Or maybe he always had been.  Ezra never had found out how his parents had been caught.

“He went to work for the Imperial Information Office after the Empire took my parents away,” Ezra said, kicking at the floor with the toe of one boot.

“You never told us what happened to your parents,” Kanan said.

“What’s there to tell?” Ezra said.  “They’ve been dead eight years.  I haven’t even been back to this place since I was seven.”

The mention of the number seemed to trigger another string of information from Tseebo.

“What’s he saying?” Kanan asked.

“He’s detailing Imperial fighter deployments on Lothal,” Sabine translated.

“That’s it!” Kanan said, a hopeful spark in his eyes.  “Tseebo has intel the Imperials don’t want getting out.  Sabine, can you access it?”

“I think so,” she said.  “I need a few minutes.”

As Sabine got to work messing with Tseebo’s implant, Kanan turned back to Ezra.

“You okay?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” Ezra muttered.  He stood up and lowered himself through the hatch and began climbing down into the room below.

“I told you,” Kanan said, “sometimes you have to let your guard down.”

“I said I’m fine,” Ezra repeated.  As he neared the bottom of the ladder, he heard Tseebo speak again.

“Ezra Bridger,” he said, “son of Ephraim and Mira Bridger.  Born fifteen years ago, today.”

Ezra froze, his hands gripping the cold, dusty durasteel of the ladder as rage coursed through him.  Why would he tell them that?  He fought to get his anger back under his control before he moved again, entering the small, hidden room.  As Ezra absently picked up an old disk that had been left behind, overlooked when the stormtroopers had raided the house, a memory echoed back to him, of a conversation he’d long since forgotten about, overheard when he was maybe five or six years old, listening from the top of the ladder.

_You must think of your son._

_He’s all we think about!  We’re teaching Ezra to stand up for people in need._

_We’re fighting for our son’s freedom._

Ezra put his hands over his ears, as if that could somehow block out the memory.  He didn’t want to remember this and he didn’t know why he was now, after all these years.  He’d fought long and hard to bury the few lessons his parents had had a chance to teach him, first because Maul had convinced him what he’d learned was weakness, and now because he didn’t want to think about what they would say if they could see what he’d become.

“You’ll want to see this.”

Ezra gasped.  He hadn’t even noticed Sabine follow him.

“What’s with the old disk?” she asked, noticing what he held in his hand.

“My folks used to do underground broadcasts from here, speaking out against the Empire,” he said, throwing the disk back down onto the table.  “It’s probably just one of them.”

He turned away from Sabine and began to scale the ladder, not wanting to give her a chance to ask anything else.

Once she’d emerged from the hatch behind Ezra, Sabine tapped something into the small computer on her wrist, and a projection emerged from Tseebo’s implant.

“What are we looking at?” Kanan asked.

“It’s everything,” Sabine said, awe in her voice.  “Imperial specs on the new TIEs and the new T-8 disruptors, schedules of troop movements, tactics, strategies.  Half of it’s encrypted, but it looks like there’s a five-year plan for Lothal.  And every other world in the Outer Rim.”

“No wonder his brain’s shorting out,” Ezra said.  “All that data would overload anyone.”

“The secrets in his head must be damaging to the Empire,” Kanan said.  Ezra could practically see a plan taking shape in his mind.  “We’ll need to smuggle him off Lothal.”

“Gotta smuggle him out of town first,” Sabine pointed out.  “You know the only reason the Imperials haven’t caught him yet is because their forces were occupied with Empire Day.  But the day’s almost done.”

"I think I have an idea," Kanan said.

* * *

 

Sabine went ahead of them, drawing one of her blasters and aiming at the stormtrooper on the left.  She pulled the trigger and the trooper fell, the force of the shot throwing them back a few steps before they hit the ground.  By the time the other trooper turned around, Sabine was already on them, her fist slamming into the soldier’s helmet.

“Ow,” she muttered, flexing her fingers as the stormtrooper fell to the ground, unconscious.  “I miss Zeb.”

Kanan ran for the nearby troop transport, grabbing the stormtrooper who stuck their head out to investigate the noise and throwing them to the ground beside the others.  Kanan looked back to where Ezra was waiting and nodded.  Ezra pulled Tseebo behind him as he ran for the transport.  Once the four of them were safely on board, Sabine took the controls.  As they sped toward the edge of the city, a nervous feeling gnawed at Ezra’s stomach.  This was going too smoothly.

As they reached the edge of the city, Ezra saw why.  The road ahead of them was barricaded.  The Imperials had wanted them to get this far out so they would be a clearer target without the cover of buildings around them.

“I have no plans on stopping,” Sabine said, increasing their speed as they approached the barricade.

The stormtroopers began firing on them, but the transport’s shields absorbed the blasts easily.  Sabine kept increasing their speed as they got closer and closer and stormtroopers began diving out of her way.  Sabine eased up a little just before they hit the barricade, knocking it to the side as they continued down the road, heading south toward where they knew Hera would be waiting for them.  Ezra breathed a small sigh of relief.  Maybe they would get out of this after all.

No sooner had the thought crossed his mind when he saw electric sparks around the transport’s door.  Realizing what was about to happen, he ducked his head, shielding his eyes from the blast as the door was blown off.  A speeder bike was beside the transport, keeping up their speed, but no one was on it.  As Ezra stepped forward to investigate, a stormtrooper swung through the door from the roof, kicking Ezra in the chest and knocking him to the ground as he entered.

Ezra was about to leap into an attack, but Kanan beat him to it, shoving the stormtrooper back into the wall and punching him in the stomach.  The trooper hit back, grabbed Kanan, and threw him to the floor as another stormtrooper on a speeder bike pulled up beside them, drawing their blaster and aiming at Kanan’s head.  Kanan grabbed hold of the first trooper through the Force and threw him out the hole where the door had been, directly into his comrade.  As the speeder bike went spinning out of control, Kanan got to his feet.

“Spectre Five to _Ghost_ ,” Sabine said, “we’re coming in hot.”

 _“I see that,”_ Zeb’s voice responded.  _“You’ve got company upstairs.  Kallus.  I’ll take care of him.”_

It was only a few seconds before they heard Zeb’s voice again.

 _“You’re clear!”_ he said.  _“Pull over and we’ll --”_

 _“Belay that!”_   That was Hera’s voice.  _“Have to be a scoop job.  Sensors reading multiple TIEs incoming.”_

Kanan took the lead, climbing onto the roof of the transport and pulling Tseebo up behind him.

“You ready?” Ezra called to Sabine.

“Yeah,” she said.  “Autopilot’s engaged.  This thing’ll run till it’s out of fuel.”

They followed Kanan onto the roof to see the _Ghost_ flying just over them, the ship’s ramp extended, stopping just short of touching the transport.  Zeb stood just inside the ship, hanging onto the edge of the hatch.

“Get in,” he ordered.  Kanan pushed Tseebo ahead of him.  Zeb led the still-disoriented Rodian onto the ship.

Blaster fire flew past them, missing Kanan by inches.  Kallus was still clinging to the back of the transport, his blaster drawn.

“Go!” Kanan shouted, pushing Ezra and Sabine toward the ramp.  He ignited his lightsaber, deflecting Kallus’s shots as the Imperial agent hauled himself back up onto the transport’s roof.  As the _Ghost_ rose into the night sky, Kanan jumped, landing on the ramp, taking Zeb’s outstretched hand, and letting his friend pull him into the cargo bay.

 _“I need my gunners,”_ Hera called through the comms.  _“We’ve got TIEs on our back and the shields won't hold under this barrage.”_

“Almost there!” Kanan said as he scaled the ladder into the turret gun.

The lights flickered and the ship jolted as a blast hit them.

“Karabast!” Zeb shouted as he braced himself to keep from falling.  “That came from behind.  Is that scrap heap even paying attention?”

The ship jolted again as Hera swerved hard to avoid another shot.  Ezra stumbled, slamming into Tseebo.  He felt something in the Rodian’s mind shift and for the first time since he’d climbed out of the hatch back at the house, Tseebo seemed to actually _see_ Ezra standing in front of him.  He grabbed Ezra’s shoulder, speaking rapidly, urgently.

“What’s he saying?” Ezra asked Sabine.

“He says he knows what happened to your parents.”

As she said it, another blast hit the ship.

 _“Sabine!”_ Hera called, _“I need you in the nose gun, now!”_

Sabine just stood there, staring at Ezra.

“Didn’t you hear Hera?” he asked.

“Didn’t you hear Tseebo?” she asked.  “He says he knows what happened to your parents.”

“I already know what happened,” Ezra said.  “They’re dead.  So just go!”

A third shot hit the _Ghost_ and Sabine turned on her heel and left, unable to let this drag out while they were under fire.

As she left, Ezra turned away from Tseebo, pointedly not looking at him.  He could feel Tseebo’s eyes on him, watching him, hoping for a reaction, or even just an acknowledgement of what he’d said.  And he could feel…guilt.  That was guilt.  Cold, bitter guilt that led Ezra to a painful conclusion.

“You knew, didn’t you?” he asked.  “You knew the Empire was coming for my parents.”

He didn’t need Tseebo to answer.  He knew.  He could feel the answer hanging in the air.

“You could have stopped them!” he said, rounding on Tseebo, fury rising up in his chest, making the air in his lungs feel like ice.  “Why didn’t you stop them?  Why didn’t you _do something?”_

 _“Shields down!”_ Hera called.  _“Ezra, I need you in the cockpit!”_

“On my way!” Ezra called back.  He turned back to face Tseebo.

“My parents trusted you,” Ezra said.  “They trusted you and you failed them.  I’ll never forgive you for that.”

He turned and left Tseebo behind, running to help Hera.

“Ezra, the nav-computer’s off line,” Hera said as he entered the cockpit.  “With Chopper down, I need you to fix it.”

“Not exactly my specialty,” Ezra said, crouching down and beginning to rewire the nav-computer anyway.

“Well make it your specialty and make it fast,” Hera said.  “Or this ship becomes a real ghost.”

* * *

 

They had escaped.  And Tseebo had been the one to save them.  Somehow, he had known how to signal hyperspace coordinates to the _Ghost_ and Hera had been able to make the jump.  Tseebo had saved their lives.  Or so they’d thought.

There was a tracker on the hull of the _Phantom_.  A tracker that Tseebo confirmed would allow the Empire to follow them through hyperspace.  It had been Kanan’s idea to draw the Imperials off Tseebo’s trail by detaching the _Phantom_ while in hyperspace, much to Sabine’s horror, and using it to lure them to the abandoned clone base hidden in an asteroid field.  The abandoned clone base that had become the home to a pack of very territorial fyrnocks.

Hera had argued against it, saying they could just detach the _Phantom_ and let the Imperials chase after it with no one on board.  Kanan had insisted on going, and Ezra knew he was right.  The Inquisitor could sense the two of them in the Force, and if they didn’t leave, the _Ghost_ wouldn’t be able to escape.  And so Ezra found himself strapped into a seat on the _Phantom_ as Kanan attempted one of the most dangerous things it was possible to do.

“Prepping for separation,” Kanan said.  “Once we’re out of hyperspace, we’ll head toward the asteroid base and lead the Empire there.”

 _“You sure about this?”_ Hera asked.  _“You won't be any more welcome there than the Imperials.”_

“That’s what I’m counting on.”

 _“Just be safe,”_ Hera said with a sigh.  _“And Ezra, look out for Kanan.”_

“Somebody has to,” Ezra said.

 _“Ready for separation,”_ Hera told them.

Kanan acknowledged and Hera began to count down.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: animal death (not graphic); death of unnamed characters; references to canonical character death; general canon-typical violence

_Ezra couldn’t see a thing._

_He felt nothing covering his eyes, but checked with his hands just in case.  Still nothing.  It was just dark in here, wherever **here** was.  Slowly, he stumbled to his feet, his hands reaching out and finding rough stone beside him.  He’d been lying on stone when he’d woken up, too.  He tried to cast out a mental net, feeling the space around him, but his efforts were cut short by a quick, painful shock shooting through his body.  He gasped in pain._

_Slowly, it started coming back to him.  Maul, taking him down to this planet, putting a metal stun cuff on each of his wrists that would shock him if he tried to use the Force, telling him he would have to find his way out of the caves on his own.  Telling him he **would** make it back.  He didn’t have a choice if he wanted to survive._

_Ezra took a deep breath to calm his fear.  It wouldn’t do him any good down here.  He just had to find his way out.  There was no other option.  He would make it back to the surface.  He would survive.  He would show his master just how strong he was._

* * *

 

Ezra’s heart pounded as they approached the abandoned base.  It was by sheer luck that they had made it out of hyperspace in one piece, and now they were flying directly into a nest of fyrnocks with the Inquisitor and who knew how many stormtroopers on their tail.  Ezra wanted to trust Kanan, but he knew this plan could easily end with both of them dead.  That was assuming there even _was_ a plan.

“Can we go over the plan again?” Ezra asked nervously.  He stared over Kanan’s shoulder, squinting as he tried to get a glimpse of the creatures in the dark hangar ahead of them.

“I never told you what the plan was,” Kanan said.

“Exactly.”

“You remember the nasty creatures Hera and Sabine found?” Kanan asked.

“Yeah,” Ezra said.  “I’d rather forget them, but yes.”

“Well, I’m gonna need you to connect with them like I was trying to teach you before,” Kanan told him.  “If we’re going to survive this.”

“Is now really the best time for a lesson?” Ezra asked.

“No,” Kanan said, “but I figure it’s learning like you do best.  By surviving.”

Ezra’s breath caught in his throat as they passed under the half-closed blast doors into the hangar.  The shadows seemed to creep through the walls of the ship, settling around them, waiting.

“Kanan,” Ezra said, “I can’t.  I--I’m afraid.”

Just saying it made Ezra feel like something inside him was twisting around, clawing at him, trying to rip him apart.  To his surprise, Kanan smiled.

“I got news for you, kid,” he said.  “Everyone’s afraid.  But admitting it as you just did makes you braver than most, and it’s a step forward.”

“Yeah,” Ezra muttered.  “Into the jaws of a nightmare.”

As Kanan set the _Phantom_ down inside the hangar, Ezra clutched at the back of the pilot’s seat, his knuckles turning almost white.  Kanan stood up, gently patting Ezra’s shoulder as he moved toward the hatch.  Ezra just kept staring out the viewport into the shadows, even as he stepped back to follow Kanan.

“I’ll get the tracking device off the _Phantom_ ,” Kanan said, putting his hands on Ezra’s shoulders to get him to turn around.  “You go make some new friends.”

The hatch swung open and the two of them glanced nervously at each other before Kanan climbed up the side of the ship and Ezra moved slowly into the darkness.  As he crept forward, a distant _clang_ of metal on metal told Ezra that Kanan had thrown the tracker deeper into the hangar.  As the sound echoed through the air, Ezra heard a low growl rising from the darkness.

Ezra waited, watching the shadows for any sign of movement.  Sure enough, the creatures began to move toward him, golden eyes glowing through the darkness as they surveyed the intruders.  Ezra’s fear rose up like bile in his throat as the fyrnocks approached, their backs arched, growling a warning at him.

“Okay,” Ezra mumbled, trying to control his fear as he slowly reached a hand out toward the creatures.

“I’m one with the Force,” he whispered to himself.  He could do this.  He could control this fear.  He could connect.  He felt it, like something whispering softly in the back of his mind.  _The Force is with you._

Ezra could feel the minds of the creatures, their collective presence in the Force like something made of living wind and shadows.  Slowly, carefully, Ezra let his mind brush against the nearest fyrnock’s.  The animal growled louder, baring and snapping its teeth.  Ezra flinched back then slowly raised his hand again as he realized the creature wasn’t close enough to hurt him.  As it drew closer, Ezra took a step back, his confidence and resolve fading.

Kanan wanted him to connect, to gently and calmly talk the fyrnocks into helping them.  Ezra could connect.  He’d always been good at it.  It was the gentle convincing that was the hard part.  It would be so easy to simply wrest control from the creatures, bend them to his will, and force them to attack their enemies.  As he felt the swarm of creatures around him drawing closer and closer, Ezra latched onto that thought.  So easy.  It would be so easy, and how would Kanan even know the difference?

 _No,_ he thought to himself.  He could do this.  He could do this the _right way_.  He had to.  It wasn’t a choice.  He had to learn how to do this or he and Kanan would both die.  But something was holding him back and he didn’t know what, though it felt like it should be obvious.

“You’re blocked!” Kanan said as he leapt to the ground beside Ezra, who had backed up almost all the way to the _Phantom_ without even realizing it.  “Let go.”

“I can't!”

“Don’t be afraid,” Kanan told him.  Ezra felt Kanan’s mind reaching out alongside his, helping him keep the creatures at bay.

“I’m not afraid of _them_ ,” Ezra said.  He hadn’t realized it until that very moment, but it was true.  He wasn’t afraid of the fyrnocks.

“Then what?” Kanan asked.

“I don’t know,” Ezra said, his voice desperate as he searched for the answer.  Kanan had to know.  He knew and he was trying to make Ezra figure it out for himself.  They didn’t have _time_ , they were going to die, why couldn’t he --

“Yes, you do!”

“I --”

“Ezra!  What are you afraid of?”

“I’m afraid of -- I’m afraid of knowing,” Ezra said.  “I’m afraid of the truth!”

His parents were dead.  They _had_ to be dead.  If they weren’t -- if they weren’t, he didn’t know what that meant, but it didn’t matter because it couldn’t be true.  They were dead, gone, their bodies burned in an incinerator or dumped into an unmarked grave.

And no one could have stopped it.

“I’m sorry,” he said.  “I’m sorry.  I forgive you, Tseebo.”

_It wasn’t your fault._

It was quiet.

It was quiet in the hangar.

It was quiet in Ezra’s mind.

It was quiet.

The fury that Ezra had been keeping just barely contained had evaporated, disappearing into mist and fading away.  For the first time in…he didn’t know how long, Ezra felt…still.  Quiet.

Ezra hesitantly opened his eyes to see the swarm of fyrnocks around him, just as still and quiet as he felt.  The one closest to him looked at him curiously, its head tilted to one side, as if asking him a question.  _What now?_

Ezra looked over at Kanan, silently asking him the same question.

“Now,” Kanan said, “we wait.”

* * *

 

Ezra could feel an icy presence in the Force growing stronger, closer.  He knew it was the Inquisitor.  His fear raced through him, turning his veins to ice.  Kanan’s warm, comforting, encouraging presence at his side did little to hold it back.  But that didn’t matter.  He was afraid, but he would survive this.  They both would.

His eyes were closed and he didn’t see the Inquisitor and the stormtroopers enter the hangar, but he felt them as they fanned out, trying to box him and Kanan in.  Together, he and Kanan gave a silent signal to their new allies.  _Now._

Ezra could feel the fyrnocks moving past him as they leapt at the stormtroopers, their claws tearing through the soldiers’ armor.  The sound of blaster fire echoed through the hangar.  Ezra reached out, deflecting shots away from the fyrnocks, and felt Kanan do the same.

A low, sinister laugh broke through Ezra’s focus.

“This was your plan?” the Inquisitor asked.  “To lure us here and allow these creatures to do your work for you?”

Ezra felt Kanan stand up beside him and heard the cracking _hiss_ of a lightsaber.

“How do you think it’s going?” Kanan shot back.

Ezra took advantage of the Inquisitor’s moment of distraction to point a fyrnock in the Pau’an’s direction.  The Inquisitor raised his lightsaber and slashed through the creature’s chest as it leapt at him.  Ezra felt the animal’s pain as it was thrown to the side, felt its life quickly slipping away, and then…gone.

“Pathetically,” the Inquisitor said.

“Guess if you want something done right.”  Kanan ran at the Inquisitor, his saber raised, ready to attack.

Ezra heard the two lightsabers crashing together like the sound was travelling through water, distant and distorted.  He kept his focus on the stormtroopers and the fyrnocks, directing the creatures at the soldiers.  The stormtroopers’ armor did nothing to protect them from the claws that tore through it, digging into their flesh, ripping through them and leaving them to bleed out.  Two were dead already, and Ezra felt their deaths just as he felt the deaths of the fyrnocks he couldn’t save, but unlike the fyrnocks, he savored their deaths.  He felt their fear, their pain and -- he shoved those feelings back.  That wasn’t him anymore.  That wasn’t who he wanted to be.  He would _not_ enjoy this, if only because he knew Maul would want him to.  So he detached, trying not to feel a thing.  He tried to pull back, directing the fyrnocks to wound rather than kill, but they were animals; they didn’t know what injuries would be fatal to a human.  They didn’t think like that and Ezra couldn’t make them.

His focus was shattered by a ripple through the Force.  He looked back to see Kanan hitting the ground, his lightsaber falling from his hand.  He lay there, unmoving, as the Inquisitor advanced on him.  Ezra jumped to his feet and ran to the Jedi’s defense.  As he raced through the hangar, he ignited his lightsaber and threw himself between Kanan and the Inquisitor.

“You’re not going near him,” he growled.

“I believe I am,” the Pau’an said with an infuriating smile, like Ezra was more of an annoyance than a threat.  “In fact, it’s time to end both Jedi and padawan for good.”

Ezra took a faltering step backward as the Inquisitor stalked toward him, his lightsaber dragging across the metal floor, throwing sparks into the air.

“Your devotion to your master is admirable,” he said, “but it will not save you.  Nothing can.”

Ezra stood his ground, his grip tightening on his weapon as he glared up at the man who loomed over him.

“Get back!” he said.

The Inquisitor threw out one hand, pushing Ezra back toward the edge of a chasm in the floor.  Ezra felt the ground disappear from under him and clung to the edge, feeling his nails crack as he tried to find a grip in the smooth stone.  Somewhere far beneath him, he felt something stir, something alive, in whatever caverns were hidden below the base.

Ezra crawled forward, hauling himself back onto solid ground.

“I said get back!” he growled as he stood up.

“Ah, yes, good.  Unleash your anger.”  The Inquisitor’s low, quiet laugh should have made Ezra furious, but it just froze him to his core.  “I will teach you what your master could not.”

“You don’t have anything to teach me,” Ezra said.

“I don’t?” the Inquisitor asked.  “You are no Jedi, boy.  The darkness is too strong for you.  You will never escape it.  But why would you want to?  You’ve willingly embraced it before.  You know there is no other path for you.”

“No,” Ezra said.

“Your master will die.”

“No!”

“Your friends will die.  And everything you’ve hoped for, everything you’ve fooled yourself into believing you could become, will be lost.”

“No!”

All Ezra felt was cold.  Somewhere far beneath his feet, something was rising.  Living wind and shadow twisting around each other.  Ezra latched onto it.  Behind him, he felt the creature rise up from the depths below.  The Inquisitor’s wolf-like smile vanished as he took a step back.  Ezra felt the Pau’an’s fear rippling through the Force and pulled it toward him, wrapping it around himself like a protective shield, letting it flow around him and through him; sheer, raw power.

* * *

 

Something moved in the Force.  To Kanan, it felt like an earthquake.  As he opened his eyes, he realized the ground _was_ moving.  Small fragments of stone were floating into the air around him.  He looked up and saw Ezra, standing at the edge of the chasm, something rising up behind him.  As he watched, he could have sworn he saw a flash of yellow in the boy’s eyes.

“Ezra, no!” he called.  But Ezra didn’t seem to hear him.  The creature leapt past Ezra, attacking the Inquisitor, a look in its eyes that could only be described as murderous.  Ezra was controlling it, overriding its natural instincts to avoid danger where possible and replacing them with his own rage and his own desperate need to kill, to destroy, to make someone _hurt._

Kanan could only watch, at a loss for how to stop it.

As the Inquisitor backed away, trying to fend the creature off, a small tremor shook Ezra’s whole body and he fell to the ground.  Kanan rushed to his side.

“Come on, Ezra,” he muttered, shaking the kid’s shoulder and patting his face, hoping he wouldn’t actually have to slap the kid awake, refusing to think about the possibility that Ezra wasn’t going to be that easy to wake up.  He could see Ezra’s eyes move beneath their lids, and a second later, they began to open.

“Kanan, what --” Ezra’s eyes widened for just a second as he realized what had happened, but they quickly began to close again.  He barely seemed to be able to keep them open, but in that split second they were, Kanan could see his eyes were the same bright blue as always.

“Kanan, I feel…cold.”

“I know,” Kanan said.  “It’s okay.”  _It’s okay, son.  I’ve got you._

Kanan heard the fyrnock shriek and looked back over his shoulder.  The Inquisitor was still fending the creature off.  Seizing what he knew might be his only chance, Kanan picked Ezra up.  Ezra was so light, it was almost too easy for him to throw the kid over his shoulder and sprint toward the _Phantom._   As he neared the ship, he heard a loud _hum_ and turned to see the Inquisitor’s lightsaber spinning through the air toward them.  He ignited his own saber and deflected the Inquisitor’s weapon, sending it flying to one side.  He turned and ran the last few steps to the _Phantom_ , dropping Ezra to the floor and racing to the front of the ship.  As he flew out of the hangar, he fired at the troopers’ shuttle so they couldn’t be followed.

As they left the asteroid behind, Kanan glanced back at Ezra, who was still on the floor, slumped against the wall.  Kanan would check on him once he put the _Phantom_ on autopilot, when they’d put a safe distance between them and the asteroid.

As he turned his attention back to the controls, his thoughts strayed back to what he’d almost said as he’d woken Ezra up.  He wondered when he’d begun thinking of Ezra that way.  He wondered if he should _let_ himself think of Ezra that way.  Hera and Sabine and Zeb and Chopper were like family to him, but he was training Ezra to be a Jedi, or the closest thing he could become to one.  Shouldn’t it be different?  Another look back at the kid gave Kanan his answer.  No, it shouldn’t be different.  Or if it should, he didn’t care.  He’d already broken more than his share of the old Order’s rules.  What was one more?

Kanan engaged the autopilot and stood up, making his way back to Ezra.  He crouched down next to the boy, whose eyes were beginning to fully open again, still as blue as ever.  Maybe Kanan had just imaged the change in their color.

“Here,” Kanan said.  He put an arm around Ezra’s shoulders and helped him stand up.  Pulling down one of the _Phantom’s_ seats, he gently lowered Ezra into it.  Ezra leaned forward, bracing his hands on his knees for a moment, but he seemed to be sitting up mostly under his own power.  Kanan sat down across from him.

“You back with me?” Kanan asked.  Ezra nodded slowly.  His eyes narrowed as he processed everything that had happened just before their escape.

“I saved us?” he asked.

“You did,” Kanan said.

“But something doesn’t feel right,” Ezra said.  He was quiet for a moment before Kanan saw a small spark in his eyes as things fell into place.  “Did I kill him?” Ezra asked, sounding almost hopeful.  Kanan shook his head.

“He’s alive,” Kanan said.  “But I made sure they couldn’t follow us.”

He took in the sight of Ezra’s blank expression.  His eyes were unfocused again as he stared into the empty space between them.

“How much do you remember?” he asked.

“I think all of it,” Ezra said, his voice quiet and distant.  “Or most of it.  I remember you were hurt, and I remember that creature, and then -- that’s all.”

“That’s when you passed out,” Kanan said.

“I never controlled anything like that before,” Ezra said.  “It fought so hard to keep me out, but I --” he stopped as he realized what he was admitting to doing.  “After I took control, that’s all I remember.”

It wasn’t true.  He remembered his anger, his desperate need to protect Kanan ( _to kill the Inquisitor_ ), twisting around inside the fyrnock’s mind, drowning out and overtaking its natural instincts to just defend its territory.  He remembered Kanan shaking him awake.  He remembered saying something and Kanan telling him “it’s okay.”  He remembered -- _it’s okay, son.  I’ve got you._

It was more of a feeling than a thought, and even half-conscious, Ezra had felt it reverberate through the space between them, zipping across his skin like electricity emanating from the point where Kanan had touched him, wrapping around him.

_It’s okay, son._

_Son._

Ezra couldn’t tell Kanan he had felt that, not when he didn’t know how he felt about it himself.  Better to pretend he didn’t remember anything.

“Ezra, what happened back there was --”

“I know,” Ezra said.  What he’d done went against everything Kanan was trying to teach him, everything he was trying to become.

“I was going to say it was a lot to handle,” Kanan said.  “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know yet,” Ezra said.  “Kanan, I’m sorry.  I was just trying to protect you.”

“I know,” Kanan said.  “It’s --”

“Don’t say it’s okay,” Ezra said, crossing his arms and folding in on himself.  “It’s not.”

“I mean I understand,” Kanan said.  “And it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or undo everything you’ve worked on.”

Ezra wasn’t convinced, and Kanan knew it.

“It doesn’t matter right now,” Kanan said.  “We can deal with it later.  What matters is we led them away from the others.”

“Aren’t you always saying how we do things matters?” Ezra pointed out.

“It does,” Kanan said.  “But you can barely even sit up.  I think I can spare you a lecture.”  He smiled slightly.  “At least for now.”

Ezra gave his own small smile, trying to convince Kanan he was okay.  He could tell it didn’t work.  Kanan could see right through it, not that Ezra was trying very hard.  The fake smile didn’t last long and Ezra’s face fell.

“Hey,” Kanan said, leaning forward and putting a hand on Ezra’s knee.  “We’ll get through this.”  _It’ll be okay, son._

Ezra flinched a little at the unsaid thought he felt in Kanan’s mind.  Kanan saw the reaction and pulled back.  Ezra felt like a weight was being lifted off his chest.  It was always easier to feel what was going on in Kanan’s head when they had physical contact.  Without it, Ezra could at least try to ignore that thought -- that _word_ \-- in Kanan’s mind.

* * *

 

When they returned to the _Ghost_ , Ezra immediately went searching for a place he could hide.  As he walked through the common space, Hera touched his shoulder.

“Ezra,” she said.  “I have something to --”

Kanan stopped her.  “Ezra needs a little time to himself,” he said.  Ezra nodded and kept walking.  Just before the door slid shut behind him, he heard Kanan’s next words to Hera.

“We need to talk.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to canonical character death; Maul being a manipulative bastard in general

_Ezra knelt on the cold metal floor, trying to mask the pride he felt.  He was being allowed to leave the base on his own for the first time since Maul had brought him there almost five years before.  He was being sent to Arkanis with nothing but a name and an order to kill.  The thought briefly crossed his mind that he didn’t know who this person was or why his master wanted her dead, and that years ago, he might even have asked.  Now, he knew it didn’t matter.  Now there was only question he dared to ask._

_“Do you really think I’m ready, Master?”  In spite of his master sending him on this mission, Ezra still had doubts that he could do this on his own._

_“I know you are, son.”_

_Ezra froze as two competing instincts crashed together in his head.  He wanted to lash out and tell Maul never to call him that again.  He was **not** Maul’s son and Maul had no right to call him that._

_But didn’t he?  He had been raising Ezra for nearly five years now.  And as much as Ezra hated hearing Maul call him that, part of him…didn’t.  Part of him actually liked hearing someone call him that again.  Some little sense of warmth and comfort spread through him, even as a dull ache grew in his chest._

_All this processing took only a few seconds before the thought crossed his mind that Maul’s words could be some kind of test.  So Ezra pushed those confusing feelings down, shielding them before Maul could sense them, and forced himself not to react any more than he already had._

_“I won't fail you, Master,” he said, purposefully keeping his voice even and unemotional, as if Maul had said nothing out of the ordinary._

_“I’m sure you won't,” Maul said, a warning as much as an encouragement._

* * *

 

Days after they had left the base behind them, Ezra could still feel what Kanan had almost said echoing in his head.  He didn’t know why he was still thinking about it when Kanan hadn’t even said it.  But he did.  He could feel the unsaid words -- well, just one word -- buzzing around in his head.  It would start to fade and then he would talk to Kanan or he would see Kanan looking at him either with concern or with a strange, contemplative look in his eye, and he would feel that word in Kanan’s head again.  He wanted to tell Kanan he knew what he was thinking, but the thought of talking about it scared him.  He didn’t know how to explain how he felt about it because he didn’t understand it himself.

Four days after Empire Day, the crew was gathered in the galley during a lull in between ops.  Ezra wasn’t really listening to the conversations going on around him.  He was stuck in his thoughts about everything that had been happening for the past few days.  He didn’t even realize Kanan had sat down next to him until he felt someone touch his arm.

“You okay?” Kanan asked.

“Yeah,” Ezra said with a small nod, trying to make his voice sound casual so Kanan wouldn’t worry.

“You sure?” Kanan asked, not convinced.  Ezra nodded again.

And Ezra felt it again.  That word, hanging in the air, cutting into him at the point where Kanan had touched him, twisting around him, cutting off his air --

“Don’t!” he cried before he could stop himself.  He pulled away from Kanan, barely aware that the room had suddenly gone silent.

“Don’t _call_ me that!” he said, his voice breaking.  “You’re not my father!”

Ezra froze, suddenly realizing that not only had that just happened, but it had happened in front of the whole crew.

His hands clutched the edge of the table in front of him as he stared down at it, trying not to look at anyone.  He could feel four sets of eyes on him and he just wanted to disappear.

“Let’s give them a minute,” he heard Zeb say quietly.  Sabine murmured something too quiet for Ezra to hear, but it must have been an agreement because they both left.  Just two pairs of eyes now.

“I --” Ezra tried to speak, but he suddenly felt like all the air had been pulled out of his lungs, out of the entire _ship_.

Kanan cast a desperate glance at Hera.  He didn’t know what to do, but he could tell just by looking at her that she didn’t, either.

“Ezra,” Hera said softly, sitting down across from him and Kanan, “just breathe.  Just breathe and tell us what’s wrong.”

But Kanan didn’t need Ezra to tell him.  As he watched Ezra sitting there, eyes wide and staring at nothing, practically struggling to breathe, he knew.  Ezra had somehow heard, or more likely felt, what he had been thinking.

“I’m not your son,” Ezra said, his voice barely above a whisper.  He was shaking, and Kanan couldn’t tell if it was from fear, anger, or sorrow.

“I’m not your son,” Ezra said again.

“Ezra,” Hera said, “he never --”

“I did,” Kanan said, his voice almost as quiet as Ezra’s.

Ezra took a few slow, shaking breaths.  When he began to speak, his voice was still quiet, but clearer, more under his control.

“I --” Ezra’s voice broke off and he looked over at Kanan.  “I felt it, back on the asteroid, when you thought… _that_ or almost called me that or _whatever_ you did.  And I’ve felt it every time you’ve thought about me like that and I…I…it feels like --”

He released his grip on the edge of the table and leaned his head in his hands, taking a few more shaking breaths as he tried not to let himself get worked up again.

“I’m sorry, Ezra,” Kanan said.  “I didn’t know you felt that.  And I didn’t realize --”

“It’s not like you could have known it would hurt like this,” Ezra said.  “I didn’t even know it would.”

Ezra gave a frustrated sigh, slamming his hands back down on the table.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” he muttered.  “Because I -- you -- you _have_ been -- ever since I got here, you’ve acted like a father to me.  More than --” he cut himself off, shaking his head.

The unfinished sentence made a possibility cross Kanan’s mind that both disturbed and infuriated him.

“Did Maul ever call you --”

“Once,” Ezra said before Kanan finished the question.  “But that’s not why -- that doesn’t have anything to do with --”  _With me losing it like that._   His shoulders slumped.  “It’s just that I -- no.”

The last word was mumbled more than spoken aloud.  Ezra’s jaw clenched.  He closed his eyes, his hands locked together in his lap.  He took a long, shaking breath and held it before letting it out.  He repeated this a few more times while Kanan and Hera waited patiently for him to be ready to talk.

“I care about all of you,” Ezra said, his voice now much calmer, but still carrying a slight fearful tremor.  “A lot.  And I meant what I said about you being like -- but the last people I cared about like this were my parents.  And it was so easy for me to fall to the dark side because of how much I loved them and how angry I was when they died.  I don’t want to push you away, but I don’t want anything like that to happen again.”

“It won't,” Kanan said.

“You don’t know that!” Ezra insisted.  “Kanan, I lost the only family I ever had and it turned me into… _this_.  What happens if I lose you, too?”

“You’re not going to lose us,” Kanan said, putting a comforting hand on Ezra’s shoulder.  Ezra reached up, his hand covering Kanan’s, hanging on tight.  “And if anything ever happens to me or Hera, I _know_ you can make it through.  You fell because you were alone and had no one else to turn to for help and Maul took advantage of that.  But you’re not alone anymore.”

Ezra wanted to believe him, but his fears refused to be quieted.  What if Kanan was wrong?  What if it didn’t matter whether he was alone or not?  What if, now that he’d fallen once, he was destined to do it again?  What if he just wasn’t strong enough?

“You won't lose us, Ezra,” Hera said, her hands covering his free one.  “No matter what happens.”

Ezra didn’t know what to say.  They could tell him all they wanted that he would never lose them, but they had no way of knowing that.  Their lives were so dangerous, anyone on the crew could be killed at almost any time.

“I -- I should --” without even finishing the sentence, he pulled his hands away from Kanan and Hera and stood up and started walking toward the door as fast as he could without actually running.

“Ezra, wait,” Kanan said.  Ezra stopped in his tracks and turned to face him.

“I’m sorry,” Kanan repeated.  “I didn’t know.”

“I know,” Ezra told him.  "And I know you can't change how you feel."

Kanan saw the faintest hint of a smile cross Ezra’s face.

“But I’m not calling you ‘dad,’” he said.


End file.
